This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
