I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
