u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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