Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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