i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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