Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
