I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
