Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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