There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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