I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My Sexting was not on an AP level
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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