people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
where am i from again
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
