My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
