people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
