I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
