I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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