I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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