just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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