Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
