i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
