Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
