A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
