Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
