I'm passing your future prison.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
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Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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