i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Come share oat with me in your robe
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
