I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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