I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
