Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up