I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
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Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?