My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities