My liver just broke up with me...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
40s are totally the cure
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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