My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
