I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you never un-have a 4some
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
