So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
