I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
