My liver just broke up with me...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
