And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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