I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
