i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
