Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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