Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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