worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
