I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
