Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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