please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
