She said her name was "party"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We left the knife in your bed.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
