you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
