I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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