i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
