I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
two words: eviction party
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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