People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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