i think i have two assholes
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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