I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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