I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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