my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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