i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize