I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Boobs speak an international language.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
