I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Too much gin, very little bucket
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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