My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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