I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
