You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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